Because You’re Worth It

Relationships are tough. Whether it is a work relationship, a friendship, or an intimate relationship with a lover, you may find that you do not always operate on the same page or even the same frequency. I used to be a horrible communicator and someone that could not control my emotions; my emotions controlled me. Until I realized that I am the one in control and I don’t have to hide my emotions, but I can be in charge of them, as well as being in charge of my own actions.

Growing up, I was the youngest, and felt constantly picked on my older siblings (3 older brothers and an older sister). I developed what some might call the “victim role”. I carried that role through my early twenties. I would often think “poor me”, “why do I always get the short end of the stick”, “I always finish last”, etc. These thoughts were very self-defeating. When someone offended me or cut me off in traffic, I skipped right past irritated and upset and immediately went into a rage mode. This was a very unhealthy way of living, with my emotions so extreme. Sometimes, I was super excited and hyper and then really sad and depressed, etc. Some psychologists try to label me bi-polar or depressed or abused or all of these things that gave them a way to deal with me and an excuse to prescribe me medicine and send me out the door. I never bought it for a moment. All I ever needed was someone to listen to what I was going through, to understand and relate, and to appreciate me for who I was, instead of trying to change me.

I have dated a lot. I have gone through some pretty unhealthy and crazy relationships where I learned a lot of bad habits from others who also had emotional tendencies to get out of hand. In my late twenties I took a year off and tried to date again, but I wasn’t ready, so I took two years off. I took the time to get to know myself and better understand why I reacted the way I did and how I could change my reactions and try to be more objective instead. I have come a long way from my early twenties and I am really proud that I can be the master of my own mind, body, and soul. Sometimes, my mind still tries to play tricks on me, telling me things like “you’re not good enough” or “no one is ever going to love you” but I remind myself that these are only my insecurities and that I am worth it.

I guess the biggest lesson I learned is that before I can have a healthy relationship with anyone else, I need to have a healthy relationship with myself. I need to treat myself with love and respect and be my own hero and protector. I can’t expect anyone else to do that for me. I want to love others because of who they are as individuals, not what they can do for me or how they can make me happy. I need to feel happy because of my own inner self, not any external factors.

Many times the reason why people are fighting is because of their own ego. We all have the innate tendency to defend our own beliefs. Our fears bring out all of our insecurities and ugly lies that we tell ourselves. We become defensive, insecure, argumentative, and judgmental. So let’s take the time to be still and find our peace and inner balance so that our egos do not get in the way of our love. Love is the opposite of fear. Love is patient, understanding, a good listener, open-minded, and peaceful. Let’s choose to love ourselves and love others…because we are worth it.

Forgiveness

When it comes to emotions, deep hurt or anger from a loved one can be hard to come back from. It is really difficult to see the other side when you are clouded with pain or rage. Finding clarity in the midst of these emotions is very difficult. It may take some time to take a step back and try to look at things from a different perspective.

Recently, I hurt a good friend with something I said by venting to another person that involved my friend. What I shared was unfortunately spread like a rumor, and got back to my friend, even though that was not the intention I had in mind. I was confronted about it when the rumor surfaced and I reacted in shock and embarrassment. I apologized about the result of what had occurred. There was nothing I could do to change what happened. All I can do now, is learn from my past and move forward. I had other mixed feelings though. This same friend had been affecting me negatively for several months and I was confused and lost about how to handle the circumstances that I was dealing with. In my mind all I did was vent about my own feelings with what was happening. I don’t know why the person I told my feelings to chose to share it with others, but I do know I should be careful who I choose to confide in. I also know that for a long time I felt guilty about sharing the personal information, but I came to a realization that I dealt with my situation by talking about it, like I always do. Why is talking about my feelings bad? So my friend and I spent some time apart without talking much, since we were both in a hard place with each other. We have a long history of friendship and have been through a lot together and have been each other’s confidant and rock at times. It is sad for us both to see how far south our friendship has gone.  The other night, she apologized for her reaction, but admitted that she was still dealing with strong emotions of hurt and anger. I was too, but it did feel good to hear that she still loves me and wants me to be happy no matter what has come between us. I felt the same way. We can’t solve it all with one conversation, but it was a good start to begin the healing process. I appreciated her honesty and acknowledged that it showed a lot of maturity that she was able to admit she was sorry for her behavior. I repeated how sorry I was about my actions as well. We laughed, we cried, we talked, and we sat in silence.

Forgiveness is very healing both for yourself and for the person you are choosing to forgive. It takes mercy, understanding, openness, and love to forgive someone else that you feel has hurt you deeply. The truth is forgiving someone else, though seemly a selfless act, is often more beneficial to yourself, so you can feel better and let your heart begin to heal. You can make yourself crazy, keeping in anger and resentment for someone else. It solves nothing to hold hatred or a grudge against someone else; you are only hurting yourself. I think my friend needed to feel better about herself, our friendship, and the whole situation. It was affecting both of our emotions, how much sleep we were getting, our health and well being. We, as people, can become so stressed that we can literally make ourselves sick. I’m glad my friend was able to come out of the hurt and anger for a moment of clarity. My friend still needs time and so do I to heal fully, but at least we were able to finally have a good and honest conversation. Sometimes, a step in the right direction is all you need to feel better and know you are headed in the right direction. You don’t always have to make giant leaps of progress toward something, especially if you are not ready to do so. Remember, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu.

Take care of yourself, your emotions, your body, and your overall health. Wake up each day with renewed joy to do your best and love with an open heart. We all make mistakes and we all have the ability to forgive if we choose. If not for the other person, do it for yourself.

It Is Not Always About You

As difficult as it may be to consider this fact, it is not always about you. You are not the center of everyone else’s universe, just yours. People may come into your life or are already in your life and may rub you the wrong way or affect you negatively. Most likely, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that person and the personal stuff they are dealing with as an individual. One of the hardest things I have ever had to learn, and still struggle with, is to not take things personal. I tend to take things to heart – what others say to me and how they act toward me. Sometimes, of course, it may be something directly related to me, but most of the time it is not. People think, speak, and behave based on their own perspective of the world. That is why sometimes worlds can collide when two people, with two different perspectives, come head to head on an issue or negative interaction where they do not see or understand the other person’s attitude or behavior. So what can we do when this occurs?

Someone recently mentioned a video called, “This Is Water,” which is actually part of a commencement speech by David Foster Wallace, but someone else made it into a video. The main concept of this video and speech was to bring awareness and thought into our actions; to think about and realize that we each have a choice about how we react to irritating situations and / or interactions with other people. Also, to consider that this other person is possibly battling something really difficul that day and to have or find more compassion for others. For example, maybe that person did not get enough sleep because they were fighting with their spouse, maybe their dad is in the hospital, or perhaps they are simply having a bad day. Sometimes, unfortunately, people do not differentiate how they treat others with how they are feeling at the time. As referenced in the video, we tend to just go to default mode which is the opposite of choosing; it is just reacting to the events, often negatively. Though, it is not nice or fair if someone is mean or rude to you just because they are feeling moody or miserable, it does not mean that it will never happen. In fact, it happens all the time! It is really difficult for many people to get out of their own heads (their default mode) long enough to realize that their attitude or behavior is affecting others, and not just themselves.

So when I find this is happening to me, I have the choice of how I want to react to these negative or unwanted interactions. I could react back in anger, hurt or frustration; I could laugh it off and go about my day realizing it is not about me; I could even choose not to respond. Often, the first reaction, is usally not the best thing to do, because again we are REACTING out of our default mode. It is good to first get out of your own head for a moment and try to become aware. Try observing the person or situation objectively. Think about what the other person is trying to communicate. What control do you personally have in the current situation? What are your choices? Are they really mad at me or are they reacting poorly to something else and taking it out on me? Each action has a reaction as we all know, so it is important to be insightful and think about what will bring about the best possible outcome, without making matters worse, but also without neglecting your own feelings and needs. This is such a delicate balancing act, which is why for me it has been so difficult to master. It is hard to not let your personal feelings get in the way of your own behavior.

As I just mentioned, don’t forget to take care of yourself and your emotional health. I was talking to a friend at work today and we noticed that we each come to work positive and energized. Unfortunately,  as the day progresses other people’s moods, aggression, and negative energy start to drain us, causing us each to also become moody and upset. Negativity can spread like a plague, it seems. We talked about how much it seems to affect us and that it is not good to hold it in. So, she mentioned that in her notebook, which is usually for work notes and reminders, she now is going to start writing down situations that upset her. She wanted to do this as a method to vent and let it go. This is a very healthy and mature way to handle negative emotions at work (or in general) where you may feel like you have little or no control over the situations and people that are rude or mean to you. Negative emotions, if kept bottled up inside, eventually do come out, but these feelings may come out a lot more powerful and worse than they need to be if not dealt with earlier. Plus, they can come out and be directed at the wrong people even.

Remember, you always have a choice in how you personally think and behave. You may not be able to control or predict other people’s behavior, but it wouldn’t hurt to consider that they may be going through something difficult and you can choose compassion. Alternatively, if you are being abused or mistreated by someone in your life at home or work, it is important to seek help and if necessary get out of that negative environment. Take care of yourself – your thoughts, your emotions, and your body.