Hi there. I am back, with only slight progress. I am taking the advice I have received along with my own thoughts and reflections from the past week-and-a-half. So this is where I am at and what I have processed…
First of all, I have realized that lately (the past few months) ALL of my friends and family have become extremely busy and I have been only spending time with my partner (which is normal for most people, but not for me). At first, I felt hurt and lonely that no one was calling me or reaching out to spend time with me. I was contemplating that maybe I reached a new time in my life where I needed to find new friends that matched my current state of life contemplations or develop new hobbies to busy my new-found free time. Now, I am realizing that the Universe is simply allowing me to take time for myself and get back to figuring out what makes me feel complete and happy (even though I was not using this time effectively, until now). It seems I often rely on my connections and relationships with others to feel value or contentment in life; because love and relationships with people is what I value, but it doesn’t have to be what gives ME value.
I have never been good at “being alone”. I grew up as the youngest of three older brothers and an older step-sister. So I often had to play alone (since they always ditched me to hang with their older friends) if my friends were busy. I constantly complained to my step-mom that I was bored and she would offer to have me help with chores or find something else to do. I, of course, most often chose to find another activity (other than chores), but I always felt like it was hard to entertain myself. Why am I telling you all of this? I am telling you because I am in the exact same situation as when I was a child. I feel bored and lonely (as still a very social person who often fills my time with the people I love on a weekly basis) and none of my friends or family members are available to spend time together.
So this brings me to square one. My life stopped being chaotic with plans with people every day and week. I have the opportunity to choose how I want to spend my time. I have lately felt like going to work every day is very unsatisfying and I’m often bored as there are fewer customers that I have to help for the last few hours of my work day. I started poor eating habits when I went home and eating or drinking later and staying up watching Netflix. I realized that leaves me feeling tired and achy all day long. I haven’t been exercising my body or my brain. So while this may fulfill others, I cannot keep going like this.
From the advice I have received thus far, I am learning to meditate on things (situations that leave me feeling a lot of negative emotions) and then trying to let it go. Examples of this is the feeling of being alone and the feeling of abandonment when people are too busy to call me or spend time with me. There is deep rooted pain that comes along with this, that right now is not the time to go into, but trust me, there is more than what it seems. I have to remember to not take it personally and realize that this just happens sometimes people are just busy and they are not avoiding me or abandoning me and it is okay to be alone and rejuvenate. Often, in fact, it is a blessing in disguise.
The second piece of advice I am beginning to practice is to find out what feels good and if it does not feel good to me, I decide to no longer do it. An example of this is that I stay up too late watching Netflix and do not sleep well if I have a glass of wine too late or too much of it. So now, I am beginning to read the last 15 minutes of bedtime and in the morning instead of waking up to check my phone, I eat my breakfast and then read again for about 15 minutes. This way before I sleep and when I start my day, my head is filled with peace and quiet instead of electronics and excitement.
I have not completely de-cluttered my life, of course, and this is a process, so there will be a part 3 next week to sum it up a bit better. This week, I wanted to check in with everyone on my progress and see if anyone else is trying to change their habits, or stop negative thoughts, or de-clutter their personal life.
Thoughts, comments, more advice, shared experiences?
*Thanks again for taking the time to read my blog!